Your friends, family and co-workers will thank you for it

A Little Perspective

We’ve all been there. Things pile up, we hunker down and get in the zone. Sometimes we’re especially proud of or invested in the work we’re doing, and the natural inclination is to hold it close and give it all of our mental energy. This is totally fine when it’s confined to our normal 9-5 M-F; however, for many of us in Tech this starts to slide easily. Frequent late nights. Constant interruptions, setbacks and scope creep. Taking non-essential work calls when we’re supposed to be ‘Out of Office.’ All of these will quickly earn us a trip on the Burnout Express. Unfortunately, the return trip is often a lot harder to book.

When we create blurry, slippery boundaries, we teach our coworkers that it’s ok to reach out anytime. How many of us have responded to the dreaded, “Sorry to bother you, but this will only take a second…” email/text while on vacation? How many times have we logged in remotely to fix a problem that really could have waited, just to smooth things over? This might provide a temporary sense of keeping everything under control and ward off fears of returning to a surprise dumpster fire, but it also means that we’re never really ‘off’ work.

As Data/Tech people, we are very accustomed to reacting quickly to new information and evolving circumstances. Most of the people I know and work with are born problem-solvers who are genuinely passionate about getting things right, on time, and to the satisfaction of clients/customers/stakeholders. Of course, we will all experience periods where working late or irregular hours might be needed – sometimes things just have to get done after all! But none of us are superhumans. No one person can remain ‘on’ all the time with work without detriment to other aspects of their personal life, mental health, or even sense of self.

I want to use this post to talk about how I failed at this for most of 2024 and how it affected me in ways I didn’t even fully realize until it was too late. Then I’ll share the approach I took most recently and the tremendous difference it made.

First, Some Numbers on PTO

While researching for this article, I came across some PTO statistics in the US in this article from Forbes that, frankly, shocked me. Here’s what stuck out to me the most:

• Twenty-eight million Americans don’t get any paid vacation or paid holidays
  • The United States is the only advanced economy in the world that does not guarantee its workers paid vacation days and paid holidays.
• Over 52% report working while on PTO
• Employees don’t use 6.5 days of their PTO on average
  • I have definitely been guilty of this – and my company does NOT rollover vacation days
• ‘Unlimited’ PTO is not a silver bullet
  • Even though a quarter of workers prefer unlimited PTO, only about 4% employers offer it (as of 2023)
  • The average worker takes 17 PTO days, while workers with unlimited PTO only take 10
• Availability of PTO can even be regional
  • Workers in the Northeastern US have more PTO available to them than those in the West – who knew??

As sensational as it sounds, I have no trouble believing that almost a billion hours of PTO have been wasted by going unused in the US. This is such a shame because US workers are already in such a desolate place regarding the amount of PTO and Holidays given:

How I Screwed Up In 2024

We tend to look back on years as neat little time-boxed periods with a clear start and end. Sure, calendars work this way and for most of us, PTO balances reset and we start making plans for whatever travel and recreation we hope to do. Practically speaking though, we don’t get a hard reset from December into January – meaning last year’s problems quickly become this year’s before we even know it.

This was certainly the case for me this year. My team and I spent the majority of 2023 working on migrating a set of users from their own server installations to our shared instances, and this work went well into this year. This was a massive undertaking given the nature of these users’ work and the fact that they were very accustomed to operating in their own space with very few guardrails in place. It’s also worth mentioning that some of these stakeholders were not particularly easy to work with and demanded an inordinate amount of time relative to the size of their footprint within our total user count. It was hard, and it was exhausting – in every sense. It nearly broke me, and I am not proud of the number of times where someone received my full ire and wrath over something minor or that they had no control over.

This was, of course, just one of many things on our roadmap for 2024, but the constant ‘drop everything if [redacted] asks’ mindset definitely made this into a constant dark cloud over our heads. Naturally, this also made even considering taking much PTO uncomfortable. I was already working many evenings and weekends just to keep above water – I would just be delaying the metaphorical punishment with any time out of the office. This isn’t to say that I didn’t take any time off this year, but for the majority of 2024 I was overly strategic about taking ‘long weekends’ vs. actually traveling or disconnecting. I always signed off for PTO telling my team, “Text me if you need me” or “I’ll be around” – and they did, almost every time. I realize now though that this was 100% my fault.

By mid year, I was experiencing the worst burnout I can remember. I could recognize that I was no longer the best version of myself, but I felt helpless to really do anything about it. I was constantly grumpy and quick to anger both in and out of work. I wasn’t taking care of my physical or mental well-being, and I neglected important relationships with friends and family. Basically, any time I wasn’t working, I just wanted to be left alone. I felt every ounce of creativity and drive being zapped from me. I hated it. Logically, I knew it was unsustainable, but felt totally unequipped to do anything to turn it around.

If you’ve ever found yourself in this position, you know how scary it can be. I have always considered myself a hard-working, outgoing, engaging and supportive person, and I knew I wasn’t being any of those things. Multiple friends reached out to check on me during this time saying things like, “I’ve noticed you’re not very active in the group chat…” or “We’ve missed you at ____ the last few times…” I felt like I constantly needed to apologize for not being present, whether physically or emotionally. Anyone who met me for the first time from January-August of 2024 would’ve been right to write me off as a hot-headed jerk.

As all huge work projects do, the migration event was eventually completed. It was the day we’d all been waiting for – a return to ‘normal’ and a chance to focus on better things. But even as things began to slow down a bit, much of the damage was already done. I had neglected so many aspects of what makes me Kyle for so long, the rubber band just wasn’t snapping back the same anymore.

I needed to do quite a lot of soul searching about where I had gone wrong, and what I needed to do to get out of this rut.

Changing Things Up Made All The Difference

As the summer started winding down, I realized that I hadn’t taken more than 2-3 consecutive days off of work since the previous December. The only exception in 2024 was Tableau Conference in May; however, I think we can all admit that, while TC is an amazing time that we all look forward to every year, it is far from an actual vacation. Plus, I did work during the week.

In February of this year, my husband Dan and I (along with two other friends) booked a trip to visit friends in Florida in September of this year. My dad also lives in the state, so we were able to get in some great family time, as well. We had been looking forward to this for a long time, and I was determined to be present and fully engaged in my first real vacation of the year.

So, as life would have it, September rolls around and it’s quite possibly the worst time for me to be away for 8 work days. My team was rushing to release an MVP of a new app, which meant I would be away immediately after launch day when issues, bugs and escalations were very likely. I had a distinct sense of dread about taking this trip, and the Kyle from earlier this year probably would’ve worked for a majority of it.

Instead, I decided to choose myself. I knew the burnout and discontentment I had been feeling for months wasn’t going anywhere unless I took deliberate action to counteract it. I needed 10 days with friends and family. I needed to be away from home and not tied to a computer. I needed to make a change happen. In reality, my coworkers, friends and family needed me to make this change too. They deserve the best Kyle possible, and I was incapable of being that person.

So, here’s what I did:

• Put an ‘upcoming out of office’ message in my work email signature two weeks in advance to set expectations
• Declined any meeting invite during the time I was to be away
  • Even recurring meetings, to drive home that I would not be present
  • This sends a clearer message than not responding
• Set clear boundaries with my team at work:
  • “I am disconnecting. I will not prioritize responding to work matters.”
  • “Document everything that happens so we can address when I return”
  • “If a problem cannot be solved in my absence, communicate this clearly with the stakeholder and set the expectation that it will be addressed when I am back”
  • “Tell me now what you don’t feel prepared to handle and what you’re willing to be a point of contact on”
• My out of office message was polite, but explicitly stated that I was disconnecting for time with friends and family and would not respond
  • Provided points of contacts for specific matters, where applicable
• Left my laptop at home!
  • In an absolute pinch, I could’ve logged in via my tablet, but it’s a PITA and therefore a deterrent for me (lol)

It’s difficult to articulate the difference that was made by 10 days of fun in the sun with some of my closest friends, alongside an amazing sidequest to spend time with Dad! The preparation and communication of my work boundaries paid off, and I was able to truly live vacation life – something I haven’t truly done in far too long. The trip went off without a hitch and truly reinvigorated me in so many ways.

When we returned home and it was time to go back to work, I didn’t dread a thing. Plenty of things went wrong while I was out, and I had a mountain of emails and escalations to work through – but I genuinely didn’t care! I had regained some perspective that being so burnt out robs from you: For the vast majority of us, no actual catastrophe is going to happen if something at work is broken Furthermore, if something truly is urgent, being able to clearly communicate when and by whom it will be addressed buys you a lot of time and understanding.

I smile at work again. I laugh every day. I haven’t lost my cool or felt like I had to choose between work or the rest of myself even once. It’s been just over a month, and I’m still realizing the impact.

How I Plan To Stay Here

Burnout is sneaky and unrelenting, almost like a virus. Once it implants, it spreads and multiplies so rapidly that many of us don’t even notice until it’s taken over everything. 4 Steps to Beating Burnout by Monique Valcour points out three primary components that lead to burnout:

• Exhaustion: “…the central symptom of burnout. It comprises profound physical, cognitive, and emotional fatigue that undermines people’s ability to work effectively and feel positive about what they’re doing.”
• Cynicism: “…essentially a way of distancing yourself psychologically from your work. Instead of feeling invested in your assignments, projects, colleagues, customers, and other collaborators, you feel detached, negative, even callous.”
• Inefficacy: “People with this symptom of burnout feel their skills slipping and worry that they won’t be able to succeed in certain situations or accomplish certain tasks. It often develops in tandem with exhaustion and cynicism because people can’t perform at their peak when they’re out of fuel and have lost their connection to work.”

Monique gives a lot of great strategies for combating these, and the article is definitely worth a read. It can be very difficult to identify the beginnings of all of these symptoms, but here are some strategies I’ve been trying to commit to:

When it feels like: I’m having trouble focusing on important work to the point that it’s become overwhelming and both mentally and physically exhausting

Find ways to:

• Delegate – “if you want it done right, do it yourself” will kill you, especially if you’re a people manager
• Focus on something else – create some temporary space between you and the problem
• Be transparent – let your team/leaders know, don’t suffer in silence
• Learn to effectively say ‘No’ – If your plate is full, say so and mean it. If pushed, ask your stakeholder/manager/whoever what they’re willing to put on the backburner to accommodate their new request. Stick to it!
• Take PTO! Seriously, you’re no use to anyone in this frame of mine!

When it feels like: None of this matters. It’s all a shitshow. Everyone is stupid and just trying to make me angry.

Find ways to:

• Have a strictly social conversation with someone close to me at work – distract yourself
• Try to understand why certain people/situations are so triggering and give feedback, where appropriate – most people genuinely aren’t trying to be annoying, they’re under lots of pressure just like you!
• Take PTO – learn from my mistake, don’t let yourself become a jerk and compromise important relationships in and out of work

When it feels like: No matter what I do, I am going to fail at this because…

Find ways to:

• Remind yourself your brain is lying to you, this is a combination of the two symptoms above
• Find time to hone a skill you love, no matter where you are now
• Take PTO. Seriously, you will not come back from this without creating some meaningful space for yourself to rest, recover and re-discover what makes you tick.

These are obviously oversimplifications of the many, many factors that can lead us to burnout, but don’t be afraid to remind yourself of these things every day. We are all so much more than the sum of our work output, yet so many of us are quick to lose ourselves in the pursuit of being an overachiever, leader, etc.

Another huge factor that leads to burnout is losing a sense of identity outside of work. If someone asks you to describe yourself and most or all of what comes to mind is work related, take a moment to reflect on whether that’s intentional. If it’s not and you just sorta wound up this way, it’s time to take action.

One of my absolute favorite humans, Autumn Battani, wrote a wonderful blog post about her own experiences here and how she made a concerted effort to turn this around – with huge payoffs! I highly recommend giving it a read, and leave her a nice comment while you’re at it! 🙂

Before I leave you, I must acknowledge many people do not have the privilege to take such a hardline approach on this, depending on your industry, role or other factors. But it takes constant self-reminding that being passionate and driven by your work life can be incredibly fulfilling, but when we allow it to define, or rather overshadow, the things that make us who we are during the remaining 128 hours of each week, it wreaks havoc on every aspect of life. Things aren’t ok when the idea of just ‘getting through another day at work’ is the norm every day.

This has been a very long-winded way to tell you that if you are lucky enough to have PTO given to you, don’t let it go to waste. That doesn’t mean just ‘taking it all’ either. Make it count. Travel. Be with friends and family. Do whatever makes you happiest, but set boundaries for yourself and the people you work with. If you find that you’re getting work texts/calls or logging in every time you’ve scheduled time off, something isn’t working. Trust me, it’s tough to make these adjustments – but you’re wasting time that’s meant to make you a more fulfilled human being. This was a hard lesson I had to (re-)learn this year, but I am so glad I did. It feels good to be back.